How many times can you rebuild yourself? How many times can you break and put the pieces back together? This is not one of those dark, teen-girl, ambiguous quotes. The type she writes because her parents will not let her have her friends sleep over so suddenly her life is doomed and her reasons for being alive no longer matter.
How many times, as an adult with sensibility and common-sense and healing tools, can you rebuild yourself after being let down? Five times? Ten times? Is there a limit? Is this what life is all about? Learning to put yourself back together?
Maybe some people just get really good at avoiding the breaking point. They go about life safely and avoid danger. I think those people lack excitement too thought. Those people never have to put themselves back together because they are creating deep scars over previous breaks so that they never have to break again, but while doing that, they're missing life. They spend all their time keeping themselves togethers, and maybe because the scar tissue is so thick, if they ever do break, they will not be able to put themselves back together at all, The pieces will not fit. They will have to make a new version of themselves. This will be totally out of their comfort zone, so it will not feel good. That is also out of their comfort zone, the feeling of unease.
I think that every time you break, it is a little bit exciting, and you grow and you learn, and it hurts, but you move on. And you can look back and remember how you were certain that you would not survive. You'll remember that next time you break, because, there will be a next time. You'll remember all the other times you've been broken and had to put yourself back together. It will be almost routine. It will not bother you as much any more, it will just be a part of life.
There is a downside to everything though. Those who break and experience life, are they more prone to shutting down early? I think maybe that is what I am experiencing. I want to stop now. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to become the person who keeps them self together, but never experiences life.
I don't want to feel pain anymore and I am willing to give up feeling pleasure to get that.
