rebuild and rebuild again. I am Rome.

How many times can you rebuild yourself? How many times can you break and put the pieces back together? This is not one of those dark, teen-girl, ambiguous quotes. The type she writes because her parents will not let her have her friends sleep over so suddenly her life is doomed and her reasons for being alive no longer matter.
How many times, as an adult with sensibility and common-sense and healing tools, can you rebuild yourself after being let down? Five times? Ten times? Is there a limit? Is this what life is all about? Learning to put yourself back together?
Maybe some people just get really good at avoiding the breaking point. They go about life safely and avoid danger. I think those people lack excitement too thought. Those people never have to put themselves back together because they are creating deep scars over previous breaks so that they never have to break again, but while doing that, they're missing life. They spend all their time keeping themselves togethers, and maybe because the scar tissue is so thick, if they ever do break, they will not be able to put themselves back together at all, The pieces will not fit. They will have to make a new version of themselves. This will be totally out of their comfort zone, so it will not feel good. That is also out of their comfort zone, the feeling of unease.
I think that every time you break, it is a little bit exciting, and you grow and you learn, and it hurts, but you move on. And you can look back and remember how you were certain that you would not survive. You'll remember that next time you break, because, there will be a next time. You'll remember all the other times you've been broken and had to put yourself back together. It will be almost routine. It will not bother you as much any more, it will just be a part of life.
There is a downside to everything though. Those who break and experience life, are they more prone to shutting down early? I think maybe that is what I am experiencing. I want to stop now. I don't want to feel anymore. I want to become the person who keeps them self together, but never experiences life.

I don't want to feel pain anymore and I am willing to give up feeling pleasure to get that.

Directors Craft Creation

I created a theatre piece once based on a painting I saw. There was myself and 5 other actors. I directed the piece and the 5 actors, I considered to be my troop. This theatre piece often sticks out in my mind because, it reflected a lot more than just the painting. For me, it reflected what I am capable of, even under the greatest of stresses. It was sucha small piece, for such a small class ""experiement" but it went to well that this piece often gives me the hope I need to remember, that theatre feels like home. I've now managed to lose the place I called "home." It no longer feels like home, but I will always have a home in theatre. Doing anything in theatre feels so familiar and comfortable.
Back to my creation piece....I took part in the very first ever Directors Craft course at my highschool. It was intended for students re-entering high school in their 5th year after they graduated so they could continue with their Dramatic Arts studies. Anyhow, one of our first assignments for this course was to go to the Art Gallery of Sudbury and find a painting that stood out for us. Personally, not single painting stoof out for me. I think I was thinking too hard about what I was looking for. I was trying to think outside the box and look for something really abstract, but really, in today's society by TRYING to think outside the box, you're really still inside the box. So, rather than taking a painting that I thought would really stand out due to its "abstract nature" I took one that was really regular. It was actually almost exactly the same as "American Gothic" by Grant Wood. Except just the faces, and they were a bit distorted.
The reason I considered my actors and myself to be a more of a troop was because all the work we did on this piece was a process of creating TOGETHER. From the very beginning. We began by writing words and phrases and such that we felt related to the painting. This was mostly just to get some creative juices flowing. This whole process lasted about 2 weeks and included finding a space, finding props, discussing sound and costumes and such. The best moment was what I consider to be the "AHA" moment of discovery and inspiration. That moment when you know everyone is on board and it really excited about something that we created.
When we performed it came together so beautifully! I created a beautiful baby in the theatre world, and nothing has felt quite as gratifying since.
I miss those beautiful days of pure creation.